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Confessions of a 3-legged Sheep

Each journey begins with one step. The mind that brought us this obvious bit of wisdom didn’t bother to mention that the first step for many is more of a stumble. I began my journey as a newly reborn Israelite with all the grace of a three-legged sheep. I have, however, remained determined to see this race to the end. It is my desire to have my name written in the book of life with something akin to a magic marker on a new sofa. So on I go learning to unlearn, striving to find a way to blend my southern upbringing with my new found Hebraic heritage. Trying to mix the proverbial oil and water. I have become the poster child for persons lacking the required Israelite social and cultural graces. That being said, it occurred to me that I might help other socially inept, fledgling Israelites, like myself, avoid some of the embarrassing moments that I have come to know and love. Following is a short list of some of the more useful information that I have been blessed with.

1) Never return the “Shabbat Shalom” greeting with “Ram-a-Lam-a Ding-Dong”. It just ain’t Kosher.

2) The plural for Rabbi, is not Rabbit.

3) Wearing your Tallit in the buffet line will result in stains that a blowtorch won’t get out.

4) A kippah worn without Velcro will run more laps around your head than a high school track team.

5) Hearing the Dreidel song more that ten times in any one hour will result in irreversible brain damage.

6) Matzo balls have absolutely nothing to do with insect extermination.

7) If someone says to you, “Shalom Alechim”, you’re supposed to say “Alechim Shalom”, which is Hebrew for “right back at ya.”

8) Never ask your Rabbi for straightforward, simple, concise answers to your questions. They simply don’t exist in a teachers eye of things.

9) Not trimming the edges of your beard will result in small children following you around in Wal-Mart during the month of December.

10) If you notice your pet cat starring intently at your Tzitzit, prepare for the fight of your life.

11) Dreidel’s left lying around on the furniture will probably end up being surgically removed.

12) Avoid the urge to make a wish and blow out the Menorah.

13) Don’t bring Boones Farm wine if you are trying to impress your hostess for the Shabbat service.

14) Early attempts at blowing the Shofar will sound like someone strangling a sick cow. No matter how awful it sounds, say the required “Amen” and offer a weak golf clap.

Spending eight days of quality time together during Hanakkuh will cause some of the older members of the family to manifest demons. I hope you will find these Hebraic Hints helpful. In the meantime, keep on keeping on, and keep the shiny side up.